Blog 100: Blog of the Century!
Monday, June 20, 2005
Justin: Good evening and thank you all for being here to help us commemorate this momentous occasion. Wow, 100 posts, seems like only yesterday that I began this little endeavor at my rickety plywood desk in a tiny house in a tiny town. It sure has been a zany ride, hasn't it Natalie?
Natalie Portman: Sure has Justin. I for one am honored to be a regular sex symbol on you blog, it's made me ten times more famous than any of those gay Star Wars movies ever did, right Justin?
Justin: That's right, Natalie. Tonight we're going to take a look at some of the blogs that made Transmissions of the Satellite Heart the internet's "Best Blog of the Century"! (Not actually a real award.) Maestro?
Maestro: Take it away, boys! (Family Guy closing credit music plays)
Justin: First up is our homage to the first blog ever recorded in the history of TFTSH (That's an abbreviation on the title of the blog if you're not getting that).
Anthropologists believe that it was penned over six moths ago, the author no doubt scripting with squid oil on dried sheets of papyrus! Right Natalie?
Natalie Portman: Right!
Blog 1: Origin of the Blog
Justin: That was certainly a landmark blog, defiantly got the thing going on the right foot. Wouldn't you say so, Natalie?
Natalie Portman: Hm? Oh, yeah. What a triumph.
Justin: You betcha. Right Maestro?
Maestro: What?
Justin: Nothing, now on to the day I lost my job! That was certainly a notable moment in world history! Don't you think so, Nat-
Natalie Portman: Oh just go!
Justin: Ok, here we go!
Blog 18: Take This Job and Blog It!
Justin: Wow, I sure did get the shaft, now let's take a look at the day I moved into my compartment! That was a good one, it had some sweet pictures and I think you can see one of my nipples! Do you like nipples, Natalie?
Natalie: Well not yours. Can I go now?
Justin: No, silly! Remember, if you leave the podium the explosives I've strapped to your sweet, sweet ass will detonate, and then I'll have to end this ridiculous post! I mean award show! Here's the post!
Natalie Portman: Sure has Justin. I for one am honored to be a regular sex symbol on you blog, it's made me ten times more famous than any of those gay Star Wars movies ever did, right Justin?
Justin: That's right, Natalie. Tonight we're going to take a look at some of the blogs that made Transmissions of the Satellite Heart the internet's "Best Blog of the Century"! (Not actually a real award.) Maestro?
Maestro: Take it away, boys! (Family Guy closing credit music plays)
Justin: First up is our homage to the first blog ever recorded in the history of TFTSH (That's an abbreviation on the title of the blog if you're not getting that).
Anthropologists believe that it was penned over six moths ago, the author no doubt scripting with squid oil on dried sheets of papyrus! Right Natalie?
Natalie Portman: Right!
Justin: That was certainly a landmark blog, defiantly got the thing going on the right foot. Wouldn't you say so, Natalie?
Natalie Portman: Hm? Oh, yeah. What a triumph.
Justin: You betcha. Right Maestro?
Maestro: What?
Justin: Nothing, now on to the day I lost my job! That was certainly a notable moment in world history! Don't you think so, Nat-
Natalie Portman: Oh just go!
Justin: Ok, here we go!
Justin: Wow, I sure did get the shaft, now let's take a look at the day I moved into my compartment! That was a good one, it had some sweet pictures and I think you can see one of my nipples! Do you like nipples, Natalie?
Natalie: Well not yours. Can I go now?
Justin: No, silly! Remember, if you leave the podium the explosives I've strapped to your sweet, sweet ass will detonate, and then I'll have to end this ridiculous post! I mean award show! Here's the post!
Blog 22: Sweet Blog Alabama
Justin: Great! That's one of my favorites! I know Maestro loves it, too!
Maestro: Nope! My favorite one is the next selection where you start whining like a little bitch with a skinned knee! "Boo hoo, I'm lonely, I talked to my ex and it hurt me in my heart!"
Justin: Oh yeah! I remember! Thanks Maestro! Now why don't you go die in a fire you sonofabitch!
Maestro: You got it, Chief!
Maestro: Nope! My favorite one is the next selection where you start whining like a little bitch with a skinned knee! "Boo hoo, I'm lonely, I talked to my ex and it hurt me in my heart!"
Justin: Oh yeah! I remember! Thanks Maestro! Now why don't you go die in a fire you sonofabitch!
Maestro: You got it, Chief!
Blog 38: I Said I Blogged You But I Lied
Justin: Ok, enough of the old sad sack Justin, now onto the new and improved optimistic me! Hm, now let's see.... huh, there we- no... ok, well this one's... no.. damn, ok I can't seem to find any that are... huh.... OK, well here's one where I rant about stuff. That's cool.
Justin: Boy I sure did rant there.
Natalie Portman: Whoopee.
Justin: Explosives Natalie.
Natalie Portman: I mean, YAY! You're so witty and insightful! Take me now!
Justin: Not in front of the award committee, Nat. Maybe later. No, defiantly later. Moving on, I found a post where I seem optimistic! Read it!
Natalie Portman: Whoopee.
Justin: Explosives Natalie.
Natalie Portman: I mean, YAY! You're so witty and insightful! Take me now!
Justin: Not in front of the award committee, Nat. Maybe later. No, defiantly later. Moving on, I found a post where I seem optimistic! Read it!
Blog 81: We Are Living in a Material Blog...and I am a Material Girl
Justin: After that things were going swimmingly at the mill. They even wanted to promote me, but I decided that another 2 years in this hellhole wasn't worth it. At all. Let's take a look...
Natalie Portman: This is getting out of hand, how's about you wrap this up before you alienate all of your "fans".
Justin: You may be right Natalie, you may be right. Ok, here's one of my most recent posts involving what I'm gonna do when I get out of Lakeview. Maestro knows what I'm talkin about, right Maestro?
Maestro: Listen, I'm gonna go ahead and take off, Natalie and I are gonna go freak nasty. Oh, and I disarmed your bomb so her sweet sweet ass is safe. Until later that is. Oh, SNAP!
Justin: What, like the back of a Volkswagen? Anyway, here's the post.
Justin: You may be right Natalie, you may be right. Ok, here's one of my most recent posts involving what I'm gonna do when I get out of Lakeview. Maestro knows what I'm talkin about, right Maestro?
Maestro: Listen, I'm gonna go ahead and take off, Natalie and I are gonna go freak nasty. Oh, and I disarmed your bomb so her sweet sweet ass is safe. Until later that is. Oh, SNAP!
Justin: What, like the back of a Volkswagen? Anyway, here's the post.
Blog 94: Miranda That Blog Just Isn't Holy Anymore
Justin: Well, I'm getting a signal from my producer. He's showing me the "Wrap It Up" box. Ok, now to present us with the award for "Best Blog Ever" is famous star of stage and screen, Gary Oldman!
Gary Oldman: Good evening, I'm Gary Oldman. This kid kidnapped me and had me blindfolded, gagged and bound for 60 hours in the trunk of his car. I was starving and dehydrated and had to sleep in my own waste. It's a pleasure to be here. And the award for "Best Blog Ever" goes to....
Transmissions from the Satellite Heart!
Justin: Oh! Oh, my! I...I don't know what to say, this is.. this is just so unexpected. I never though... oh WOW! Oh wow. I have so many people I need to thank, first of all to all my fans. You never leave comments and you never sign the guestbook. When you do leave me notes they're usually horrible. Um, ok, I'd like to thank Blogger.com for hosting, you have too much blackout time and your "recover post" option doesn't work. Plus you're way less cool than you think you are. Ok, let's see, um I'd like to thank myself, because without me this couldn't be possible. That's so true. I rule, so much. I have the best blog ever and all other blogs are bad. That's what this award means to me. It means that I can create my own award show, post a ridiculously long, drawn-out fantasy basically fellating myself through text and then trashing on everyone who's ever liked me.
Well, it's been fun so far. I've laughed, I've cried, I've learned. I've made inappropriate remarks and used swear words, I've trashed on bands, movies, bosses, ex-girlfriends, yuppies and even Bordeaux's Butt Paste. Here's looking forward to another healthy 100 posts. See you in December for the bicentennial celebration featuring appearances by former presidential candidate Howard Dean, rock band Radiohead and tabloid celebrity the future Mrs. Katie Holmes-Cruise!
Keep on reading, True Believers!!
Gary Oldman: Good evening, I'm Gary Oldman. This kid kidnapped me and had me blindfolded, gagged and bound for 60 hours in the trunk of his car. I was starving and dehydrated and had to sleep in my own waste. It's a pleasure to be here. And the award for "Best Blog Ever" goes to....
Transmissions from the Satellite Heart!
Justin: Oh! Oh, my! I...I don't know what to say, this is.. this is just so unexpected. I never though... oh WOW! Oh wow. I have so many people I need to thank, first of all to all my fans. You never leave comments and you never sign the guestbook. When you do leave me notes they're usually horrible. Um, ok, I'd like to thank Blogger.com for hosting, you have too much blackout time and your "recover post" option doesn't work. Plus you're way less cool than you think you are. Ok, let's see, um I'd like to thank myself, because without me this couldn't be possible. That's so true. I rule, so much. I have the best blog ever and all other blogs are bad. That's what this award means to me. It means that I can create my own award show, post a ridiculously long, drawn-out fantasy basically fellating myself through text and then trashing on everyone who's ever liked me.
Well, it's been fun so far. I've laughed, I've cried, I've learned. I've made inappropriate remarks and used swear words, I've trashed on bands, movies, bosses, ex-girlfriends, yuppies and even Bordeaux's Butt Paste. Here's looking forward to another healthy 100 posts. See you in December for the bicentennial celebration featuring appearances by former presidential candidate Howard Dean, rock band Radiohead and tabloid celebrity the future Mrs. Katie Holmes-Cruise!
Keep on reading, True Believers!!
Justin expelled a blog at 7:05 PM
4 Comments:
I think there's a 100 club. So, welcome to it.
You are now a "seasoned blogger."
i am let down you let that damn producer of your boss ya around like that
I'm disappointed that even in a fantasy scenario you don't get to even get along with Natalie Portman.
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