Blog 38: I Said I Blogged You But I Lied
Thursday, March 03, 2005
How do you create a friendship with someone you've only ever loved?
She caught me. Damned IM protocols mixing up my block lists. *sigh*
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, saying hello. There was still the cold grip of apprehension when that little chat window popped up, but once I remembered who and where I was, it was easier to talk to her. I can't say I'm entirely comfy with this conversations with an ex love of my life idea, and certainly not when there's some dude in my side of the bed, but where's the shame in letting water slip under that bridge? I mean, living in the shell of regret and pain is getting harder now that my good feelings are growing. It was getting cramped and there wasn't a lot of scrap emotion to cling to. So now what? She wants me to leave her on my list, she wants to talk like friends. Can I do this? We never were friends, atleast for my part I truly loved her from the moment I met her, I never tarried in that friendship queue while waiting for the next move to be made. So that's the question: can I be her friend, like other people are friends, without thoughts of her loving someone else crowding my mind? Can I bite my tongue when there's something bitter I want to say that if we weren't "friends" would be deservedly lashed out?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know her anymore.
The worst part is, without the love, she's not someone I would want to be friends with anymore. Aside from trivial stuff we don't have a connection. She likes buying things and parties and leather couches, I like reading and deep conversation and quiet evenings at home. She's not a bad person, it's just I'm not a part of her lifestyle anymore and I can't connect.
It's been almost 1 year since we said goodbye. In nine days it will be the 8 year anniversary of when she said she'd be mine. March is an ill fated month. Caesar would agree.
She caught me. Damned IM protocols mixing up my block lists. *sigh*
It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, saying hello. There was still the cold grip of apprehension when that little chat window popped up, but once I remembered who and where I was, it was easier to talk to her. I can't say I'm entirely comfy with this conversations with an ex love of my life idea, and certainly not when there's some dude in my side of the bed, but where's the shame in letting water slip under that bridge? I mean, living in the shell of regret and pain is getting harder now that my good feelings are growing. It was getting cramped and there wasn't a lot of scrap emotion to cling to. So now what? She wants me to leave her on my list, she wants to talk like friends. Can I do this? We never were friends, atleast for my part I truly loved her from the moment I met her, I never tarried in that friendship queue while waiting for the next move to be made. So that's the question: can I be her friend, like other people are friends, without thoughts of her loving someone else crowding my mind? Can I bite my tongue when there's something bitter I want to say that if we weren't "friends" would be deservedly lashed out?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know her anymore.
The worst part is, without the love, she's not someone I would want to be friends with anymore. Aside from trivial stuff we don't have a connection. She likes buying things and parties and leather couches, I like reading and deep conversation and quiet evenings at home. She's not a bad person, it's just I'm not a part of her lifestyle anymore and I can't connect.
It's been almost 1 year since we said goodbye. In nine days it will be the 8 year anniversary of when she said she'd be mine. March is an ill fated month. Caesar would agree.
Justin expelled a blog at 3:16 AM
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