Blog 95: Don't Say I Never Blogged You Anything

Current Scrabble Winning Word: Troglodytic

Here's a rare event. Two posts in one day, you people are so lucky.

This one will deal with emotion and feelings, so if you're expecting explosions and gunfights you won't get any. This post is for all my Metrosexual brothers out there.

On the subject of loneliness:

Being lonely in my mind is akin to having a life-long illness that doesn't always interfere with your daily living. Something like Diabetes. You live with it every day, you take steps to keep the condition in check, but every now and then something exacerbates it and you have an outbreak. I've posted thoughts about this type of allegory before but it still holds true to me. I don't know what brings about the ebb and flow of these feelings but my small consolation is that they come fewer as the months roll on. It feels like it's taking on a different shape recently, almost as if it's not a longing for something I don't have, but an impatient anticipation for something I will have. I'm antsy. Being here in this crappy town makes me feel like I'm being restrained on the verge of the rest of my life. I can feel what's to come out there ahead of me but I'm pinned by forces that are both within and beyond my control. Things like money, housing, jobs, friends, debt and fear. I know she's out there, waiting patiently somewhere in my hidden future, and all I want right now is to be free to look for her. All the other things in my life seem secondary next to the pursuit of love. It's my personality, it's the way I'm built, I never feel like I'm actually living unless I'm in the give and take of love. It's hard not to get too wound up about it, to let the hype overtake the practical reality that I'll most likely have a few more failures before I get it right, and that I may have to wait longer once I get out of here. I mean it's not like I'll get the girl of my dreams in a care package delivered to my new address when I get back, right? So my bitter pill is patience, my serum is steadiness, I have to stay calm and focused and not worry so much about it. I tell myself and others that love isn't something you chase, it's something that finds you. You don't know when or where, all you can do in the mean time is prepare yourself and be the best person you can be so that when you do get picked by love you're able to be the best lover you can be. I won't let pessimism and bitterness cloud my goals and I won't allow the hurts of my past to make me think I'm dysfunctional or tainted. I'll keep on keepin' on and do what I'm doing, which is learning about myself and about the one who made me and maintains me. The universe will work itself out, so there's nothing to worry about.

But I mean, come on, I haven't even held a girl's hand in like 18 months. That's practically celibate. Can you blame me for chomping at the bit to get out there and "put out the vibe"? No, you can't. Cause everyone is either me right now, or is who I want to be, so you can all relate in some way. I just hope that I don't have to wait too long, I mean it's really bleak to be without all the little things about a woman that make life worth living.