Blog 132: Blog Me Up When September Ends
Monday, September 05, 2005
First of all I'd like to say a few words to the person or persons who decided to walk into my driveway early Sunday morning and steal my camera and checkbook from my glove box while I slept:
1. Good job for not breaking my window, stealing my car, stereo, cds or personal items.
2. The joke is on you, the camera is crap and my checks are worthless now.
3. If I had caught you stealing my shit you'd be broken right now. I know of at least 2 heavy, blunt objects in or around my house and at least one sharp implement that I could have bitched you with.
Thank you.
That being said, how's everyone's Labor Day going? I must say I'm enjoying the vast amounts of sitting around and vegetating and beering it up with my homies. Not to mention the astounding amount of laundry I got done. My only bane is the inevitable encroachment of Tuesday morning, but it's best not to think on that now as it's still about 26 hours till I have to get up for work. That's 52 episodes of MTV's Room Raiders! (MTV is on now cause it's better than... Well it's not better than anything, I'm just too lazy to change it.) It is nice to catch a few videos though, despite 80% of them so far being "Hip and Hop" or "Gangster Rapping" videos. I remember long ago when I'd get weekends with my dad I'd stay up all night watching videos. That's when I wrote the majority of my hit songs from high school. In that narrow block of pre-dawn, filled with pizza and Pepsi, bleary eyes squinting in the flickering blue light franticly writing down whatever clever rhymes popped out of my little teenage mind. That's where magic happened. When I still had something to write about.
A word on society: We live in a giganticaly hypocritical culture. Within the commercials that I've been subjected to tonight, I've seen one advert that told me that, try as I might, I cannot look younger with creams, injections, lasers and sandblasting alone, I must have perfectly white teeth. I mean like blinding, almost luminescent, shimmering chiclets prepped to impress at every smile. Or I can just buy one of these and fake my way into popularity. Being popular means having flawless skin and a godlike figure, which on television is within everyone's grasp, since everyone on television is a portrait of what it means to be perfect. I mean, with just one or two spritzes of a $4 can of deodorant and you can have the hottest women on earth tear their clothes off and throw themselves on you like you're a live hand grenade! It works!
Another ad I saw was for a certain well known bell-oriented taco establishment. Keep in mind that America, especially Texas, is fat as all holy fuck. Well, in a clear challenge to the Atkins and South Beach dieters, Taco Bell would like you to just go ahead and eat till you can't possibly force another greasy chimmi-chunklet past your ever grinding, not-nearly-white-enough teeth, with their "Sweet Ticklish Jesus! I'M FULL!" Campaign. Not to mention Carl's Jr.'s "Low Carb" Breakfast Bowl, the food product that defies all logical expectations of human stupidity. 5g Carbs, 900 Calories, 875mg cholesterol, 2050mg of sodium. But LOOK! Only 5g CARBS! THAT'S LOW! IT'S HEALTHY!
Here's a hint. You cannot have an Old Navy model's body, and teeth, if you eat a bowl of egg, cheese and meat for breakfast or stuff yourself to the point of rupture at every meal. On the flip side, you cannot have an Old Navy model's body, and teeth, anyway, those hot people make up less than 2% of the world's population. Your average Wal Mart patron makes up the majority.
I just figured out why I'm still up at 4:30am. Every time I hear a car go by or a branch rustle outside my window I grab my hammer and stealth around my house like a ninja.
Don't Let Jerry Win.
Best Watch Your MTVs.
1. Good job for not breaking my window, stealing my car, stereo, cds or personal items.
2. The joke is on you, the camera is crap and my checks are worthless now.
3. If I had caught you stealing my shit you'd be broken right now. I know of at least 2 heavy, blunt objects in or around my house and at least one sharp implement that I could have bitched you with.
Thank you.
That being said, how's everyone's Labor Day going? I must say I'm enjoying the vast amounts of sitting around and vegetating and beering it up with my homies. Not to mention the astounding amount of laundry I got done. My only bane is the inevitable encroachment of Tuesday morning, but it's best not to think on that now as it's still about 26 hours till I have to get up for work. That's 52 episodes of MTV's Room Raiders! (MTV is on now cause it's better than... Well it's not better than anything, I'm just too lazy to change it.) It is nice to catch a few videos though, despite 80% of them so far being "Hip and Hop" or "Gangster Rapping" videos. I remember long ago when I'd get weekends with my dad I'd stay up all night watching videos. That's when I wrote the majority of my hit songs from high school. In that narrow block of pre-dawn, filled with pizza and Pepsi, bleary eyes squinting in the flickering blue light franticly writing down whatever clever rhymes popped out of my little teenage mind. That's where magic happened. When I still had something to write about.
A word on society: We live in a giganticaly hypocritical culture. Within the commercials that I've been subjected to tonight, I've seen one advert that told me that, try as I might, I cannot look younger with creams, injections, lasers and sandblasting alone, I must have perfectly white teeth. I mean like blinding, almost luminescent, shimmering chiclets prepped to impress at every smile. Or I can just buy one of these and fake my way into popularity. Being popular means having flawless skin and a godlike figure, which on television is within everyone's grasp, since everyone on television is a portrait of what it means to be perfect. I mean, with just one or two spritzes of a $4 can of deodorant and you can have the hottest women on earth tear their clothes off and throw themselves on you like you're a live hand grenade! It works!
Another ad I saw was for a certain well known bell-oriented taco establishment. Keep in mind that America, especially Texas, is fat as all holy fuck. Well, in a clear challenge to the Atkins and South Beach dieters, Taco Bell would like you to just go ahead and eat till you can't possibly force another greasy chimmi-chunklet past your ever grinding, not-nearly-white-enough teeth, with their "Sweet Ticklish Jesus! I'M FULL!" Campaign. Not to mention Carl's Jr.'s "Low Carb" Breakfast Bowl, the food product that defies all logical expectations of human stupidity. 5g Carbs, 900 Calories, 875mg cholesterol, 2050mg of sodium. But LOOK! Only 5g CARBS! THAT'S LOW! IT'S HEALTHY!
Here's a hint. You cannot have an Old Navy model's body, and teeth, if you eat a bowl of egg, cheese and meat for breakfast or stuff yourself to the point of rupture at every meal. On the flip side, you cannot have an Old Navy model's body, and teeth, anyway, those hot people make up less than 2% of the world's population. Your average Wal Mart patron makes up the majority.
I just figured out why I'm still up at 4:30am. Every time I hear a car go by or a branch rustle outside my window I grab my hammer and stealth around my house like a ninja.
Don't Let Jerry Win.
Best Watch Your MTVs.
Justin expelled a blog at 3:20 AM
4 Comments:
omeg, J-Man... you have a way of finding the strangest sites. That's what I call REAL Ultimate Power. :P
Duuuuuude. It's true about the deodorant. I try and try, but I always end up falling for it. Every time.
oily, and smooth.
oh, so smooth -- like the silky back of a baby seal, but even more slick.
slick as bologna.
ninjas!
also, i'm afraid i cannot reveal my secret identity to you at this time, as you would be terribly, terribly disappointed.
sometimes, some things are better left a mystery.
i think so, anyway.
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