Blog 110: I Hate to See You Go, But I Love to Watch You Blog
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Current Mood: Irascible and Sardonic
Ok, it's well past my bedtime, my computer just fucked me out of an entirely written post and I think I have Pericardial Mesothelioma. Here's my rant, take 2. Goddamit.
OK, so I read an article today that says gastric bypass surgeries have quadrupled between 1998 and 2002, meaning that not only are more people who seriously need the surgery getting it, thus eliminating such conditions as type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea, but also more worthless fatasses are shelling our 11-13 grand for the Al Roker Special so they don't have to run their chunky trunk around the block. Now this overall issue isn't specifically about tubbies but moreover about the idea of taking responsibility and putting forth the extra effort to slim down to only one postal code per person and not just take the easy way out because it's fashionable. Yes, I know you like your Carl's Jr. Quadruple Burger with Chili Fries, you have one every meal and you're snacking on sticks of butter between Frappuccinos while you sit in your retardedly big SUV in the drive-thru at Krispy Kreme at 2am after a hard day of force feeding yourself Ho-Hos with a steel funnel and spring-loaded push rod while taking up 3 couch cushions watching "The Biggest Loser" and not getting the irony. Good for you, you're a true patriot. But don't waste valuable time and money going under the knife and staple when all you really need is a muzzle and a smaller cookie jar! There's plenty of things you can do for exercise that don't involve John Basedow and his giant head. You can walk, bike, swim, anything to get yourself off the couch and out of the car. Hell, you can even stretch your fuck muscle and burn some cals, though I don't recommend it since no one likes thinking about morbidly obese people having sex. Like two chubby planets crashing into each other, only instead of an explosion there's a wet smacking sound and the influx and expulsion of inert gasses. Here's my point, over a third of us God Blessed Americans are overweight, and over 5% are considered morbidly obese. It's not all genes and it's not all McDonald's fault, it's mostly because we've grown so complacent and decadent as a nation that instead of making the most of life by helping others and fostering relationships we just buy shit and eat things and watch television. I mean is it any wonder that all the sudden there's an epidemic of obesity, depression and ADHD that never seemed to be there before? It's not a fluke, people are getting fat and sad because all they do is waste their lives in front of the idiot box and cram nachos into their greasy faces. Imagine if every one of those sad chunk dumpsters you see with a disabled permit riding in a Hop-a-long when they don't really need it got on a bike instead and rode it over to a soup kitchen or a children's hospital and spent some time kicking someone else's day up a notch? The kids feel better, you feel better, you eat less you breathe more, you shut off the television and you actually grab life by the balls instead of the chicken bucket.
And speaking of drugs, how many times have you heard this today, "Ask you doctor if ________ is right for you."? Since when did human beings need to take 13 different prescription drugs just to survive their day-to-day lives? People have been on this planet for a long, loooong time and we seem to have made it this far with out Hydrocodone, Lexapro, Vicodin, Xanax, Adderall, Effexor, Zoloft, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Bextra, Neurontin, Lipitor, Percocet, Oxycodone, Vioxx, Valium, Naproxen, Tramadol Ambien, Morphine, Oxycontin, Celebrex, Prednisone, Celexa, Tylenol, Ultracet, Protonix, Soma, Atenolol, Prozac, Lisinopril, Lortab, Darvocet, Cipro, Levaquin, Ativan, Nexium, Cyclobenzaprine, Ultram, Alprazolam, Trazodone, Norvasc, Biaxin, Codeine, Clonazepam, Toprol, Zyprexa, Zocor, Zithromax, Diovan, Skelaxin, Klonopin, Lorazepam, Depakote, Diazepam, Albuterol, Topamax, Seroquel, Amoxicillin, Ritalin, Methadone, Augmentin, Zetia, Cephalexin, Prevacid, Flexeril, Zyrtec... that's Zyrtec, Synthroid, Promethazine, Phentermine, Plavix, Metformin, Doxycycline, Remeron, Metoprolol, Amitriptyline, Advair, Ibuprofen, Hydrochlorothiazide, Crestor, Prilosec, Acetaminophen, Altace, Concerta, Allegra, Clonidine, Lithium, Strattera, Norco, Elavil, Abilify, Risperdal, Mobic, Ranitidine, Lasix, Fluoxetine, Levitra, Coumadin, Diclofenac, Hydroxyzine, Phenergan, Lamictal, Verapamil, Guaifenesin, Aciphex, Furosemide, Entex, Metronidazole, Carisoprodol, Propoxyphene, Digoxin, Zanaflex, Clindamycin, Trileptal, Buspar, Keflex, Bactrim, Dilantin, Flomax, Benicar, Baclofen, Endocet, Avelox, Lotrel, Inderal, Provigil, Glucophage, Demerol, Zantac, Fentanyl, Premarin, Fosamax, Claritin, Reglan, Enalapril, Tricor, Rogaine, Methotrexate, Pravachol, Amiodarone, Zelnorm, Erythromycin, HCTZ, Tegretol, Omeprazole, Meclizine and Viagra. Why the fuck do we need all these pills all the sudden? You always hear about the "war on drugs" and the "drug culture", well all these prescription pill poppers are the real drug culture! It's not some pot smoking hippy in his dorm room or the raver trying E, it's the middle age guy who takes pills for his hair and his wang and his whatever else because the commercials are so vague you aren't sure if ______ IS right for you or not! Even I've wondered before! GOD!
I could go on, believe me. But I've taken up too much sleeping time and there's no way I'm getting into all the other stuff that pisses me off right now. But there, I promised you a world-class rant and you've gotten it. If you're pissed off at what I have to say go ahead and direct your comments here. Thank you and have a pleasant evening. Or morning. Whatever.
Ok, it's well past my bedtime, my computer just fucked me out of an entirely written post and I think I have Pericardial Mesothelioma. Here's my rant, take 2. Goddamit.
OK, so I read an article today that says gastric bypass surgeries have quadrupled between 1998 and 2002, meaning that not only are more people who seriously need the surgery getting it, thus eliminating such conditions as type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea, but also more worthless fatasses are shelling our 11-13 grand for the Al Roker Special so they don't have to run their chunky trunk around the block. Now this overall issue isn't specifically about tubbies but moreover about the idea of taking responsibility and putting forth the extra effort to slim down to only one postal code per person and not just take the easy way out because it's fashionable. Yes, I know you like your Carl's Jr. Quadruple Burger with Chili Fries, you have one every meal and you're snacking on sticks of butter between Frappuccinos while you sit in your retardedly big SUV in the drive-thru at Krispy Kreme at 2am after a hard day of force feeding yourself Ho-Hos with a steel funnel and spring-loaded push rod while taking up 3 couch cushions watching "The Biggest Loser" and not getting the irony. Good for you, you're a true patriot. But don't waste valuable time and money going under the knife and staple when all you really need is a muzzle and a smaller cookie jar! There's plenty of things you can do for exercise that don't involve John Basedow and his giant head. You can walk, bike, swim, anything to get yourself off the couch and out of the car. Hell, you can even stretch your fuck muscle and burn some cals, though I don't recommend it since no one likes thinking about morbidly obese people having sex. Like two chubby planets crashing into each other, only instead of an explosion there's a wet smacking sound and the influx and expulsion of inert gasses. Here's my point, over a third of us God Blessed Americans are overweight, and over 5% are considered morbidly obese. It's not all genes and it's not all McDonald's fault, it's mostly because we've grown so complacent and decadent as a nation that instead of making the most of life by helping others and fostering relationships we just buy shit and eat things and watch television. I mean is it any wonder that all the sudden there's an epidemic of obesity, depression and ADHD that never seemed to be there before? It's not a fluke, people are getting fat and sad because all they do is waste their lives in front of the idiot box and cram nachos into their greasy faces. Imagine if every one of those sad chunk dumpsters you see with a disabled permit riding in a Hop-a-long when they don't really need it got on a bike instead and rode it over to a soup kitchen or a children's hospital and spent some time kicking someone else's day up a notch? The kids feel better, you feel better, you eat less you breathe more, you shut off the television and you actually grab life by the balls instead of the chicken bucket.
And speaking of drugs, how many times have you heard this today, "Ask you doctor if ________ is right for you."? Since when did human beings need to take 13 different prescription drugs just to survive their day-to-day lives? People have been on this planet for a long, loooong time and we seem to have made it this far with out Hydrocodone, Lexapro, Vicodin, Xanax, Adderall, Effexor, Zoloft, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Bextra, Neurontin, Lipitor, Percocet, Oxycodone, Vioxx, Valium, Naproxen, Tramadol Ambien, Morphine, Oxycontin, Celebrex, Prednisone, Celexa, Tylenol, Ultracet, Protonix, Soma, Atenolol, Prozac, Lisinopril, Lortab, Darvocet, Cipro, Levaquin, Ativan, Nexium, Cyclobenzaprine, Ultram, Alprazolam, Trazodone, Norvasc, Biaxin, Codeine, Clonazepam, Toprol, Zyprexa, Zocor, Zithromax, Diovan, Skelaxin, Klonopin, Lorazepam, Depakote, Diazepam, Albuterol, Topamax, Seroquel, Amoxicillin, Ritalin, Methadone, Augmentin, Zetia, Cephalexin, Prevacid, Flexeril, Zyrtec... that's Zyrtec, Synthroid, Promethazine, Phentermine, Plavix, Metformin, Doxycycline, Remeron, Metoprolol, Amitriptyline, Advair, Ibuprofen, Hydrochlorothiazide, Crestor, Prilosec, Acetaminophen, Altace, Concerta, Allegra, Clonidine, Lithium, Strattera, Norco, Elavil, Abilify, Risperdal, Mobic, Ranitidine, Lasix, Fluoxetine, Levitra, Coumadin, Diclofenac, Hydroxyzine, Phenergan, Lamictal, Verapamil, Guaifenesin, Aciphex, Furosemide, Entex, Metronidazole, Carisoprodol, Propoxyphene, Digoxin, Zanaflex, Clindamycin, Trileptal, Buspar, Keflex, Bactrim, Dilantin, Flomax, Benicar, Baclofen, Endocet, Avelox, Lotrel, Inderal, Provigil, Glucophage, Demerol, Zantac, Fentanyl, Premarin, Fosamax, Claritin, Reglan, Enalapril, Tricor, Rogaine, Methotrexate, Pravachol, Amiodarone, Zelnorm, Erythromycin, HCTZ, Tegretol, Omeprazole, Meclizine and Viagra. Why the fuck do we need all these pills all the sudden? You always hear about the "war on drugs" and the "drug culture", well all these prescription pill poppers are the real drug culture! It's not some pot smoking hippy in his dorm room or the raver trying E, it's the middle age guy who takes pills for his hair and his wang and his whatever else because the commercials are so vague you aren't sure if ______ IS right for you or not! Even I've wondered before! GOD!
I could go on, believe me. But I've taken up too much sleeping time and there's no way I'm getting into all the other stuff that pisses me off right now. But there, I promised you a world-class rant and you've gotten it. If you're pissed off at what I have to say go ahead and direct your comments here. Thank you and have a pleasant evening. Or morning. Whatever.
Justin expelled a blog at 10:48 PM
5 Comments:
Black and white is it? Define "got along fine". My understanding of history is that life sucks no matter what century it is. But I definitely agree that people don't need pills if they heard about them first on the freaking TV and they have to "ask their doctor". If a person has a problem, they should go to a doctor, and the doctor should tell them what they need. Not the other way around.
Got along fine meaning despite plague, famine and erectile dysfunction humans have survived until now without a diet of prescriptions. I think we'll be fine after, too.
*applauds*
True Facts about Fitness Celebrity John Basedow:
- Fitness Celebrity John Basedow doesn't have any eyelids, but instead a natural layer of mucus that protect his eyes from wind and dust.
- Fitness Celebrity John Basedow spent 10 days mending a fence but then drove his car through it to prove a point about the fragility of life.
- Fitness Celebrity John Basedow once ate 100 pickled eggs on a dare, and then ate 100 more for fun.
- Fitness Celebrity John Basedow taught me how to scold a child and make love to a woman.
shouldn't your doctor being telling you what medication to take? just a thought....
I am so glad I stumbled here! Unfortunately I had the Al Roker special 2 years ago and could barely choke back the tears of shame as I read your blog and saw your pics. You are an obvious shining example of health and vitality. If only I had come here first. I could have saved my $40k and simply have put down the HoHo's, gotten out of my SUV and run my fat ass around the block a few times. Well that's it. I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm on my way out the door now to exercise my fuck muscles. Thanks for the life lesson.
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