Blog 105: You're So Vain I Bet You Think This Blog Is About You

Current Music Obsession: Gorillaz - Demon Days

Wow, look at the time. It's after midnight and I still have to work tomorrow. It's ok, don't worry. I have a short shift. Then at 11am it back home and back to bed. MMmmm. Sleep. Well, considering that by the time I finish posting it will be 12:30ish I'm almost considering pulling an all nighter and just jacking myself up on caffeine to get through my shift. It would probably be a bad plan but so would only getting 4 hours of sleep. Don't judge me!

Ok, well. I've counted 7 different types of insect crawling around my room in the last 48 hours. I bought one of those window fans and apparently there's a gap somewhere cause all of the sudden I have roommates. And they ain't chippin in for rent.

And no I haven't eaten any of them. As far as I know.

I've been trying to think up something inspiring to say, something from the heart that will add a little sparkle to someone's world. Kind of like the little moral they always tie in at the end of a sitcom. I've covered a few choice topics in the past; loneliness, setting goals, the meaning of true love, chainsaw maintenance... lately though I've been going through a bit of a stressful and frightening time. The type of stress and worry that is rare for me, very rare. I tend to shed almost all stress like Cheney sheds his human form at night to feast on the bones of hippies. Ba-ZING! Whatever. My point is, I'm broke. Like in a pit of debt and instead of a shovel I have to use a plastic butter knife to dig my way out. And not one of the fancy serrated ones either. This brings about stress in that I've borrowed money from almost everyone I know and while their generosity has kept the crashing wave at bay I know that the money I was given was not a grant but a loan. Meaning repayment. Now large faceless corporations often get put on hold for my money since there's rarely enough to go around at feeding time, but when it's a person I know and respect that's dipped into their own meager coffers to spot me I feel a certain desperate obligation to repay. The problem is that at the moment I can't and I feel terrible. I hope to catch up in the next few weeks and not have to survive 10 days on $12 to feed myself while putting off other financial obligations. Grr. Curse you Almighty Buck, you've foiled me once again.

So that's all crappy, but it's my problem and it's all things I need to deal with. My mom says I should change my outlook to view repaying my school loans as a positive experience, to think about the satisfaction I'll get when I've finally paid them off. Well for some people that might be feasible, but for me I can't devise the math needed to reconcile paying $400 a month to chip slowly away at $40,000 in debt as a "good" thing. I mean, yes, I'll probably weep openly and hug strangers when I've paid them all back, but by that time my behavior will most likely be written off as the crazy antics of a geriatric old man who forgot to have his paper cup of pills that day. It's very much a part of my personality to not think ahead to the future and set up things like schedules and budgets. I'm the guy who would trade a loan payment for 10 cds or one weekend of camping or buying a few more seasons of my favorite television shows on DVD. I also sometimes buy useless items from the impulse display at the grocery store. See? I'm the instant gratification guy. I lament my character building trials in life and always think about how cool it would be to scratch off a $100,000 lotto ticket and never have to work to fix my life. If there were a way for me to reach out and kick the hell out of myself I would, but unfortunately my leg can't bend back far enough to break itself off in my own ass. The change must come from within. At first I was pissed that my mom told me to eat my sour grapes and deal with my lot in life, but the more I think about it the more I think she's right. I mean, I can't just expect to ignore my responsibilities and just buy neat shit for myself to fill some void that I've imagined in my life. I mean, what does it take for me to switch myself into the process of thinking "This money will take away from my debt and get me that one step closer to freedom" instead of "this MP3 player is kickass, I need it."? When I figure it out I'll let you know, cause I know there are others out there like me who can't resist the temptation to spend. I've never saved a dime in my life, it's about time I learned how. We'll see how that goes.

Oh, by the way, if you're reading this you need to go visit Subter and support my projects. We're trying to increase our reader base sixfold in the next six months and that means YOU need to help. We're about to undergo a huge aesthetic overhaul with lots of more goodies to behold. There will soon be merchandise to buy, too. I'll be wearing it and/or drinking out of it, you can bet on that.

I'm so very tired now. I love you all. If you see my ex please tell her to stop telling me how great her new job at Yahoo is. It's not helping.