Blog 97: Built Blog Tough

This morning I came across something that took away a little of the light that I hold deep within me, the light that I feel makes me a sane and capable person. The something I speak of is a new product available in the UK called "Sprayonmud". Spray+on+mud. On it's own, it sounds stupid, but harmless. But add the intended purpose, and the various sociopolitical repercussions that will come of it, and it's utterly shameful madness.

From Wired News, and I quote: "For 8 pounds (about $14.50), buyers get 0.75 liters (.85 quarts) of genuine filthy water, bottled from hills near the company's premises on the rural England-Wales border. The aim, says the website, is "to give your neighbors the impression you've just come back from a day's shooting or fishing -- anything but driving around town all day or visiting the retail park.""

Endquote.

God save us all when this becomes fashionable in the States. Imagine it, the sheer volume of poser-magnetic disruption could be enough to suck a hole through the center of our universe and open a gateway to dimensions unknown. Millions of yuppie SUV owners, no longer convinced that the 65 grand they dropped on the latest land yacht makes them man enough, will flood the supercenters in search of that one accessory that until now was just out of reach. Balls. Not actual metaphorical balls mind you, not real, drive your truck over logs and boulders balls, but poser balls, balls that you can spray on your SUV after you pick up "the kids" from soccer practice and run to Walmart for 85 cubic feet of arguably necessary consumer items. Balls that say to the Jonses "Look, I've got balls enough to not only drive my expensive monster around town, parking haphazardly across multiple spots and not checking my mirrors or signaling, but I also go OFF-ROADING! What do you think of that, Bob? Do you take your SUV OFF-ROADING? Or does your wife just drive it around to shopping centers all day drinking lattes and talking to her book club on her cell phone? I can see from the lack of mud on your rig that you have no balls!"

Bob would then kill him and cover his body in Sprayonmud to hide the evidence.

I know that rant seems a little guerilla, a little eco-terrorist, but I hate things like this dammit! Why would you BUY MUD to SPRAY on your CLEAN TRUCK?! We all know you don't take it off-roading, we all know that you just bought it because everyone else has one and God knows you don't really need THAT much space ALL the time. That's what delivery trucks and station wagons are for! That's what that little voice in your head is trying to tell you between stock figures and jokes from Will & Grace. Buy a fuel efficient town car and put back that 56" HD Progressive Scan! You don't need it! Give money to your kid's school! Buy a homeless guy a bag of food! The money you'd save on gas alone in one year could put an inner city kid through 2 semesters of trade school!

Wake up! Life is not all about impressing you neighbors and buybuybuybuybuybuybuy! All the shit you think you need to be better off isn't going to help you at all! No matter how much cool stuff you have you're still going to rot in a box in the end, and the Joneses will buy your cool stuff at your estate sale.

Don't make me loose my mind and go all Tyler Durden on you!