Blog 74: Blog Hard 2: Blog Harder
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Current mood: Enervated and Crestfallen
Even after long stretches of sleep I find that I wake up with more or less the same body I laid down the night before - drooping, blinky, dry and creaking.
You know you're at a turning point in your life when you fear sleep as much as you fear waking up to the day you know is going to happen. You sit on the edge of your bed tired and drained, your body begging you to fall backward, but you think about the dreams that are waiting for you on the other side of the pillow and you force your eyes open again. Then you think of the next morning, that morning that you bring in that much faster by sleeping, that first 40 minutes of consciousness where you feel like your very life energy is elastically bound to the mattress and just lifting your head from the pillow threatens to detatch your soul from your bones.
Not incentive enough to drive yourself sleepless? How about in the final seconds before you drift of realizing that you have to repeat this pattern until you're dead? How about leaving the waking world where you're already lonely enough and trading it for a dream world where you meet love but always have to leave too soon, and not knowing if she'll be there next time? Or better yet, to be haunted by memories that you'd long since buried and to be held captive and forced to watch yourself being happy and in love, knowing that not only will your dream self eventually be broken, but you will have to wake up to his future? It's enough to drive a man to taking speed or something.
An Aside: I sometimes wonder if my personality were different if I would still harbor such a deep seated contempt for my ex girlfriend coupled with the sometimes horrifying desire to call her and tell her that I'd still, on some level, jump into a frozen lake for her even if she is having sex with another guy and probably loves him more now than she ever did me. Sometimes I wonder if there are classes you can take to become that hardened, aloof Maxim guy who thinks of women as nothing more than sex toys and evaporates all trace of inner thought and feeling by filling the brain with sports statistics and malted hops. Sometimes I think about dropping everything and moving to the other side of the state and starting a new life in a place where I can be free of the temptation to jump into a rebound relationship and get take some time to really find myself, and when I remember than I already did that and it somehow made things worse, my lip begins to quiver and I have to sit down for a little while.
This post was going to start out lighthearted, but I'm just not in the mood anymore. I know it sounds like I'm awash in self pity and depression but these are really all just thoughts that float around in that spongy peach pastry that I call a brain and it helps me to get them out sometimes. Besides, I'm not really me unless I'm being melodramatic and that's the kind of embelished life view that my hoards of adoring fans have come to expect. Can't let them down. Gotta lay the emo on thick.
Even after long stretches of sleep I find that I wake up with more or less the same body I laid down the night before - drooping, blinky, dry and creaking.
You know you're at a turning point in your life when you fear sleep as much as you fear waking up to the day you know is going to happen. You sit on the edge of your bed tired and drained, your body begging you to fall backward, but you think about the dreams that are waiting for you on the other side of the pillow and you force your eyes open again. Then you think of the next morning, that morning that you bring in that much faster by sleeping, that first 40 minutes of consciousness where you feel like your very life energy is elastically bound to the mattress and just lifting your head from the pillow threatens to detatch your soul from your bones.
Not incentive enough to drive yourself sleepless? How about in the final seconds before you drift of realizing that you have to repeat this pattern until you're dead? How about leaving the waking world where you're already lonely enough and trading it for a dream world where you meet love but always have to leave too soon, and not knowing if she'll be there next time? Or better yet, to be haunted by memories that you'd long since buried and to be held captive and forced to watch yourself being happy and in love, knowing that not only will your dream self eventually be broken, but you will have to wake up to his future? It's enough to drive a man to taking speed or something.
An Aside: I sometimes wonder if my personality were different if I would still harbor such a deep seated contempt for my ex girlfriend coupled with the sometimes horrifying desire to call her and tell her that I'd still, on some level, jump into a frozen lake for her even if she is having sex with another guy and probably loves him more now than she ever did me. Sometimes I wonder if there are classes you can take to become that hardened, aloof Maxim guy who thinks of women as nothing more than sex toys and evaporates all trace of inner thought and feeling by filling the brain with sports statistics and malted hops. Sometimes I think about dropping everything and moving to the other side of the state and starting a new life in a place where I can be free of the temptation to jump into a rebound relationship and get take some time to really find myself, and when I remember than I already did that and it somehow made things worse, my lip begins to quiver and I have to sit down for a little while.
This post was going to start out lighthearted, but I'm just not in the mood anymore. I know it sounds like I'm awash in self pity and depression but these are really all just thoughts that float around in that spongy peach pastry that I call a brain and it helps me to get them out sometimes. Besides, I'm not really me unless I'm being melodramatic and that's the kind of embelished life view that my hoards of adoring fans have come to expect. Can't let them down. Gotta lay the emo on thick.
Justin expelled a blog at 10:10 PM
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