Blog 45: I'm Blogging on a Jet Plane
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Make War by Bright Eyes....skip!
Another night of listening to music, breathing incense and putting off sleep.
When the days begin at noon and end at 3am, there's not much to look forward to. I'm trying to reset my sleep scedule to get up at a decent hour and not feel like I'm burning my life away page by unwritten page.
I've decided to apply for the job in Milwaukie. I'm still kinda hesitant, and until I talk to some people back home I won't know for sure if I can really do it. I need a place to stay until I get on my feet and into a house. I'm afraid of going back home and I'm afraid of the unknown. But I'm determined to not let fear impede my life's progress again. The new me isn't afraid to fly by the seat of my pants. I mean little things in life don't stress me out. No job, fine. No money, ok. No gas on the side of the road at 4am? Didn't bat an eye. So why am I so afraid to move forward? The job can pay the bills, get me on track to pay off my loans so I'll have a shot a depbt free life before I'm too old to enjoy it. I've been longing for culture and civilization, Portland is perfect. Why then? It's becuase I'm afraid of stress. I'm afraid to get caught unarmed in the face of adversity. If I drop what little security I have in Lakeview and ship off again, what guarantee do I have that I'll be able to keep the job? It certainly didn't work out with the last one. What assurance to I have that I'll be able to find a cheap enough place to live? Here I don't have to pay rent or sign a lease or pass a credit check. These questions haunt me. It's hypocrisy for me to want a secure life but not want to take the risks inheirant in aquiring that life.
I've just got to bite the bullet here. Make the calls, send the resume. Get shit in order cause I can't wait around forever. I don't have it real bad. If things get rough I have friends and family, it's not like I'll need to live under a bridge or anything.
So no more "I'll do it tomorrow." Except for tonight, cause I'm not going to do it tonight. I really will get it prepped and worked out. This is my goal.
Another night of listening to music, breathing incense and putting off sleep.
When the days begin at noon and end at 3am, there's not much to look forward to. I'm trying to reset my sleep scedule to get up at a decent hour and not feel like I'm burning my life away page by unwritten page.
I've decided to apply for the job in Milwaukie. I'm still kinda hesitant, and until I talk to some people back home I won't know for sure if I can really do it. I need a place to stay until I get on my feet and into a house. I'm afraid of going back home and I'm afraid of the unknown. But I'm determined to not let fear impede my life's progress again. The new me isn't afraid to fly by the seat of my pants. I mean little things in life don't stress me out. No job, fine. No money, ok. No gas on the side of the road at 4am? Didn't bat an eye. So why am I so afraid to move forward? The job can pay the bills, get me on track to pay off my loans so I'll have a shot a depbt free life before I'm too old to enjoy it. I've been longing for culture and civilization, Portland is perfect. Why then? It's becuase I'm afraid of stress. I'm afraid to get caught unarmed in the face of adversity. If I drop what little security I have in Lakeview and ship off again, what guarantee do I have that I'll be able to keep the job? It certainly didn't work out with the last one. What assurance to I have that I'll be able to find a cheap enough place to live? Here I don't have to pay rent or sign a lease or pass a credit check. These questions haunt me. It's hypocrisy for me to want a secure life but not want to take the risks inheirant in aquiring that life.
I've just got to bite the bullet here. Make the calls, send the resume. Get shit in order cause I can't wait around forever. I don't have it real bad. If things get rough I have friends and family, it's not like I'll need to live under a bridge or anything.
So no more "I'll do it tomorrow." Except for tonight, cause I'm not going to do it tonight. I really will get it prepped and worked out. This is my goal.
Justin expelled a blog at 1:18 AM
1 Comments:
Okay - I'm suffering from "not reading everything before you comment" today. So now I see that "back home" would be the Portland area. It's the thick head from the wine.
At least Portland is a great city. Far better than say, Seattle. I always like visiting Portland, and feel quite at home there. Though I'm glad I'm not suffering through the St. Patrick's Day crowd at Kells. Too many people for me! Seattle is a sharp and pointy city, whereas Portland is much smoother and friendly. That's my impression, anyhow.
I guess take risks while you aren't chained down. What type of job is it, anyhow?
Cheers!
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