Blog 44: This is Spinal Blog
Saturday, March 12, 2005
I can remember a time when Friday night used to mean something. Like you were going out somewhere or people were coming over or you had a bikini wax scheduled. I can also remember countless Friday nights when I say in front of my computer and did absolutly nothing until I puked. That was college. I thought those days had passed, I was wrong. It's Friday night and I have Doritos, bottled water and a whole crapload of nothing to do. SO what am I doing? I'm chatting on forums, fleshing out my audioscrobbler profile, wishing I could write something but not having the attention span to do so.
I got an email from a friend saying there is a job possibility for me back home, my first reaction for some reason, was fear. Fear of movement, fear of uncertainly, fear of saying goodbye again. If the job works out it could be what I need to get on my feet, or it could chain me there as well. But if I'm not looking for that kind of opportunity, then what am I looking for? I can't make my debts disappear, I can't live off the government forever and my dream of traveling around in a sweet van gets less and less realistic as the days burn by.
I wonder, does it get easier when you're chained? Or once your there do you realise it's just called settling down? I think for the first time in my life I really don't know what I'm doing. I have no plan and I have no compass. The idea of just finding another job to pay the bills and stressing out over rent makes me upset, because that's not the life I want. But how can I do anything different? I screwed myself over in college and now I'm up to my ear holes in debt. The Kerouac life doesn't seem to mesh with monthly bills.
My mom is out of town this weekend, which figures. I want my mommy.
I got an email from a friend saying there is a job possibility for me back home, my first reaction for some reason, was fear. Fear of movement, fear of uncertainly, fear of saying goodbye again. If the job works out it could be what I need to get on my feet, or it could chain me there as well. But if I'm not looking for that kind of opportunity, then what am I looking for? I can't make my debts disappear, I can't live off the government forever and my dream of traveling around in a sweet van gets less and less realistic as the days burn by.
I wonder, does it get easier when you're chained? Or once your there do you realise it's just called settling down? I think for the first time in my life I really don't know what I'm doing. I have no plan and I have no compass. The idea of just finding another job to pay the bills and stressing out over rent makes me upset, because that's not the life I want. But how can I do anything different? I screwed myself over in college and now I'm up to my ear holes in debt. The Kerouac life doesn't seem to mesh with monthly bills.
My mom is out of town this weekend, which figures. I want my mommy.
Justin expelled a blog at 2:39 AM
1 Comments:
Now, if I can remember what I was going to say...
Debt sucks, doesn't it? I'm currently paying off over $40,000 for grad school, plus another $4,000 or so remaining credit card debt. The school was worth it, or will be anyhow when I get a "real" Librarian job (which are sadly few and far between where I live). I've just applied for a job, and half of me is terrified I'll get it. Why? I think because it means more responsibility. Silly, because it's what I went to school for in the first place.
I'm chained to my life in many ways, and now that I'm older (technically old enough to be your mother, I'm guessing, had I been a bad teenager)I don't seem to mind. I just want to be secure where I am, be a good mom, and have some chickens and a maybe a goat. Not too much to ask.
Don't know where "back home" is for you, so I can't offer any opinions there. One thing I do look back on with regret is not staying in a small Eastern Washington town when I had the chance. I missed my friends, and was too young to appreciate the good things there. I wish very badly that I had bought property there all those years ago. Oh well.
No use crying over spilt milk, or beer, or orange juice. We're just going to be crying over spilt water up here this year.
Take care, cheers, and all that good stuff!
Anne
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